THE WOOLEYBURGER WHO CAME TO DINNER AND NEVER LEFT
By Steven Acevedo
"Come on, Uncle Gary," a small child said excitedly.
"Uhr..uh?" Gary was sleeping outside on his front porch. He had had a very long day at work. "Whu?" Gary said opening his eyes.
"Tell me that story again, Uncle Gary." the child said. The kid wasn't really Gary's nephew but he admired the fact that he thought of him as a hero.
"Which one? The one where Benny got drunk at The Christmas Party and did The Can Can in a chiffon dress with Joe?" he asked the little tyke.
"Nah. How you met The Woolyburger."
"Oh, That one," he said. He hated telling the story but for a fan who regards him as an idol, he couldn't resist. "Well, It happened many many years ago," Gary started. "I remember it as if it was yesterday."
"It was yesterday, Uncle Gary." the kid said.
"Smart aleck kid," Gary said under his breath. "Be that as it may." he continued. "...This is what happened."
On a summer day in The 60's Gary decided to take the day off from Broadcasting and have a nice picnic lunch in the park. The day was warm but not too hot and he drove to a spot where nobody would find him. He brought a small basket with hot dogs, mustard, relish, two bottles of soda, hamburgers and hamburger and hot dog buns. Setting up the blanket he placed all the goodies on the ground one by one. As Gary placed one bottle of soda on the blanket he didn't notice that a big furry paw was grabbing the items as he put each one on the blanket. The last item was his transistor radio and the moment he turned around to get it he saw that all the food was gone.
"Bears couldn't be that quick," he thought."Well at least I have my radio" he smiled.
Or so he thought. Now it was gone too.
"Hey! What's going on here?" he shouted.
Gary was puzzled. Well, there was nothing to do but pack up his blanket and picnic basket and go back home. The day was totally ruined by the person who stole his food and his transitor radio.
On the highway back to his home he noticed that his car seemed a lot heavier in weight than usual. It took him nearly half as long to get off the highway than it get on it. Parking into the garage he decided that the rest of the afternoon would be spent at home. Unbeknownst to him a set of footprints were left behind as he walked into the house.
Gary was exhausted from the long drive and promptly dropped into the couch without even taking his shoes off. He was halfway into snoozing when a loud crash from the kitchen woke him up. Gary walked in to see a huge furry creature was raiding the fridge looking for more of the food Gary had brought on his ruined picnic. He looked aghast at the beast who made growling sounds. Gary wasn't sure if it was the creature's stomach or his lungs that omitted the wailing that shook the house and several other houses in the neighborhood.
"Hey! Where's my radio?" he shouted at the beast who was chomping on a raw hamburger.
"OO. OO" the creature said innocently.
"Don't feign the angel act with me you...you..Woolyburger." Under the circumstances it was the only good name he could think of to call him.
The Woolyburger opened his wide mouth and reached in it and pulled out Gary's radio which was soaking wet, the antenna was bent out of shape too.
"What are you? Someone who didn't have enough iron in his diet?"
The lame humor escaped The Woolyburger and he let out another loud growl.
"Whew! You have the baddest case of bad breath I've ever smelled," Gary said turning his head. "Well, Since you are here. You might as well stay for dinner.That is if you haven't eaten the porterhouse steaks I bought yet.
He did. Gary just groaned.
"And that's how The Woolyburger became my pet," Gary told the little boy.
"That's not the way you told it last time," the youngster said. "You said that he was an alien from a galaxy far far away sent by Marvin The Martian as part of an invasion on our planet."
"ROOOOOOAR!!!" The Woolyburger said in disgust also as he was gobbling his 200th bag of popcorn and a CD player Gary had bought recently.
"Kids!!!" he said annoyed.